whisper2scream 1:39 am on December 23, 2014

Two Offerings

The Hub as been quiet while many are off participating in Writing 201 and others are immersed in holiday shenanigans. I hope that the new year will bring people back to The Hub to continue to support each other as writers. In the meantime, just to prove I haven’t been sitting on my hands, here are two offerings…

1. Brow Beaten (my 4th Writing 201 assignment) – it’s long and I think the dialogue needs work.

2. Song of the Day from December 22 – it’s short…just enjoy the song.

All feedback is welcome. Enjoy the holidays!!

Advertisements

little learner 11:52 am on December 23, 2014

1. Brow Beaten.
WOW! This is SO incredibly good! Seriously. From the start (perfect title) to the ending (poignant empathy — demonstrating compassion upon the realisation that someone else has battles you don’t) it is excellent. You grow your characters throughout the piece through dialogue and action. You set the scene well and build the tension. The climax is not when your main character finds a way out of being bullied, but when he opens his mouth to prove himself a hero and nothing comes out. He chooses to honour the bully’s humanity rather than to glorify himself. He is a real hero — for his compassion. WOW!!!! I just can’t say that enough.
Your dialogue is very good. I wouldn’t change it a bit. It sounds like middle school boys — short and to the point. And the length of your piece is good. For this story it needs to be long. We need to walk with the hero through the speculation and the mounting tension.
WELL DONE!!! (I am off to read it again!)

2. SotD — Dec 22
I love your language in this piece. “As soon as the initial notes were played, every boy scrambled to find a young lady willing to be boy-handled for upwards of ten minutes. . . . most of us were left to gamble on looking dejected enough for some girl to agree to a pity dance. After many hours jumping around a poorly ventilated gymnasium, all of us – boy and girls – were far too sweaty to be attractive and far too desperate to care.” THAT brought back humorous and painful memories. This entire paragraph is excellent! You have a brilliant way of phrasing your sentences so that you draw us in and make us a part of your memory. And then we get the audio accompaniment. 🙂 THANKS!
- whisper2scream 1:04 pm on December 23, 2014
  
  You have given me my first Christmas gift. Your words are kind and your feedback is so very thoughtful. Thank you.
  - little learner 4:14 pm on December 23, 2014
    
    May your Christmas be filled with joy and laughter and your New Year with hope and peace! 🙂 I look forward to a year full of micro-memoirs! 😉
    - whisper2scream 1:17 am on December 24, 2014
      
      Right back at you. Thank you. Hey, perhaps we should consider a joint/cross-continent publication. First of its kind?

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

s: search
c: compose new post
r: reply
e: edit
t: go to top
j: go to the next post or comment
k: go to the previous post or comment
o: toggle comment visibility
esc: cancel edit post or comment

%d bloggers like this: