I’m not sure how to best respond to your request for feedback. This is a turning point for Mark and you want to take the reader through his transformation in a thoughtful way. And I think you do that. Perhaps the only bit of advice I can offer is to think about how the focus can periodically shift back to Mark during the sermon. As it’s written now, it feels like the sermon is almost a stand alone and the reader might forget to listen to it through Mark’s ears. Think of it like the scene from a movie where the camera occasionally shifts back to pick up a reaction. Does that make sense?
Hmm. This one was difficult. It was much wordier than it is now. It has been through editing and editing and editing. I would appreciate your advice on trimming. Does it need more editing? Too wordy? Argh.